Right on Top
by Kisho Myst
Summary: Naruto, the halfdemon, halfvampire child of the Yondaime and Kyuubi always believed his life was a little out of the ordinary. Then he met the Uchiha brothers. And then all hell broke loose. [SasuNaru, with just all around bad behavior & Karin themes]
1. Good Morning Naruto!

**Good Morning Naruto!**

**A/N: **Why hello there Naruto fanfiction readers :D  
I bring you more fanfiction goodness!

This story comes with a pretty heavy disclaimer, because I hardly even own the original idea for the story. I based it off of Karin, and I also had a strange dream about it the other night, so I decided to type up a chapter or two, and see what the response was!

Naruto represents Karin in this story, and I'm pretty sure that's the only character that shows any resemblence to the other characters. It's very loosely based on Karin, but I just though I should very clearly state that I do not own Naruto, or Karin, or the concepts I am borrowing for my own enjoyment :D

**P.S. This story contains heavy yaoi, mpreg themes, and very unexplainably odd behavior from your favorite characters.**

If you can't handle those three (and probably many more, such as the very smutty nature of this story in general) I suggest you just leave. Don't bother scrolling down past my hours of typing and editing to hit the review button telling me how Sasuke and Sakura 4ever be teh OTP, or how mpreg is so lyke... totally wrong OMG take it out!!  
No.  
I don't type like that nor do I appreciate having to decode that crap. I'm asking you nicely to leave now, because believe me, I will not let it rest if you ignored this entire paragraph as well. You will forever be the target of my malice and anger, as well as my posterchild for ignorance and blantent stupidity.

So have fun and don't let my foul mood ruin yours :D  
I'm still smiling! You should be too :D

**SUPEREDIT!!:** Not really, but a **big big thanks to Emotionless Regret** for telling me what the Yondaime's real name was, because I just assumed here, and some people were probably a little concerned as to who the new guy was. Hopefully all kinks are worked out!

* * *

Naruto groaned when the sunlight filtered through his window, the only window in the house that his parents let him leave without the heavy black curtains that adorned the rest of the house. 

His mother and father were a little different. Naruto was a little different as well, but he didn't let it get in the way of his everyday life. After all, he was the heir to the entire demon race, and he did have a vampire for a mother, making him the only child of the two purebred races.

Naruto groaned, and pulled his curtains shut, knowing very well his parents hated when he left them open all night, and his mother was bound to come barging in at any moment to send him off to the academy.

His mother had quite a reputation in Konoha, which was one of the five mythological 'retreats' as they could be called. All sorts of nightwalkers sought refuge in Konoha's walls, as well as the brave few humans who didn't mind offering up small amounts of their blood to the hungry underworld.

But Naruto's mother… Wasn't exactly the most emblematic mother. She was a he, and he was the Yondaime Hokage, retired of course, as was his father (the fearsome and retired demon monarch, the Kyuubi!). They lived in a lovely home with its own training ground, and more demon guards then Naruto had ever been able to count, but he wasn't complaining, he wasn't like his parents.

Naruto didn't get nasty sunburns on his pale skin when he walked around the sun, which most vampire's (and half-breeds of course) tended to suffer from.

And everyone hates nasty sunburns, especially the ones that cause your blemish free skin to peels for days on end, revealing even more pale skin more prone to even more sever sunburns… It was a tough life being a vampire, so they mostly stuck to the night walking they were so well known for.

Naruto also didn't have a demon form like the purebreds do, (even though his father told him that once he comes of age, all that will change…) as demons are born in their demon-form, and remain in that stage until they come of age, though it was somehow reversed in Naruto's situation.

He was content doing the shopping during the day, and attending the day academy with the more sun-resistant inhabitants, and sleeping through the noises his parents emitted during the night, as well as the cries of singing human blood.

"Naruto… Are you awake yet, you lazy bum! Get up or you'll be late for academy!" Arashi pounded on Naruto's door, but dared not enter and endanger his flawless complexion. The little Halfling knew that if he didn't obey his mother's first warning of academy, he would be doomed to face his father's wrath, who would no doubt rip the door from it's hinges and toss the child out the window ("He needed to build some character!" Kyuubi later explained to his irate wife, but the Yondaime did not look convinced.)

Naruto grudgingly got out of bed, slipping out of his night clothes and into the accursed orange jumpsuit his parents had mistakenly bought the child as a joke. They never expected their son to actually wear the horrid color, or even _like_ it, but he did. And until Kyuubi would step up and be a man, in Naruto's possession the jumpsuit stayed.

"I wonder if Sakura will say yes if I ask her out today!" Naruto gave his trademark fox grin, as he adjusted his clothing in the full-length mirror his mother had given him.

Another common misconception that vampires had no reflections was indeed false. They had reflections, but were unbearably fussy over their appearances, and mix that with the unnaturally short tempers, and you have quite a big mess on your hands. Lots of broken glass and bad luck all around!

Naruto decided today would be a good day to practice the stealth he had learned in the ninja academy he was attending, just to see if his parents were still as sharp as they had once been, soundlessly slipping from his room and noiselessly shutting the door.

'I can't wait to see their faces!' Naruto laughed inside his head, knowing that if he made any noise once he left his room, his cover was blown.

As little Naruto crept closer and closer to the stairs leading him down into the kitchen, he heard some familiar but unwelcome sounds.

"Uhh, Kyuubi! Stop that! What is Naruto hears us?" Arashi moaned out, between gasps for air and the distinctive sound of lips meeting as one party was pressed firmly against the kitchen table.

Naruto's hand reflexively flew to his mouth, to repress the urge to vomit or gasp, he wasn't too sure, but something definitely was working its way up.

There was a surge inside Naruto's body, triggered by the blush rapidly darkening his cheeks, and it was unstoppable now.

"GAHH!!! YOU PERVERTS!" Naruto roared out as the torrent of blood poured freely from his nose.

One would think, that as a vampire, nosebleeds would not be one thing that they were 'a little ticked to be bleeding all over the place.'

It would be logical to infer that a vampire would be a little less then calm in a situation where their precious and tiny amount of blood was escaping through their nose. But not Naruto. Never Naruto… He was different.

"He is bleeding all over the jumpsuit! Thank Kami! This is my lucky day!" Kyuubi howled, laughing hysterically while his son looked on with horror and disgust. He was covered in his own blood, which had poured like a waterfall from his nose, due to his parent's little morning PDA.

Said parents were standing at the bottom of the stairs, unfazed by their half-vampire half-demon son's incredible amount of blood loss.

"I always said that his Polycythemia would do less harm then good one day!" Arashi laughed alongside his husband, waiting for their son to explain to them the cause for such an unexpected surprise, no doubt leaving Naruto to miss out on the day academy.

"If you two didn't have to screw every time I turned my back, this wouldn't happen! I wouldn't bleed all over the house if it wasn't for you two old perverts!" Naruto growled out something about buying a new jumpsuit, and something that might have meant shower, with a side of "late for academy, you disgusting old men…"

When their son had turned on the shower, hopefully drowning out all outside noise, Kyuubi turned and pinned Arashi to the wall, attacking his neck with little love bites, obviously learning (or remembering) nothing about his open displays of affection within a ten mile radius of their son.

"We need to.. ahh! Clean up that… Ow! That one hurt! That… blood, before the smell wakes the nightwalkers…" Arashi placed his hands on his husband's shoulder, gently pushing him away and directing him towards the massive puddle of blood their son had left behind.

"It's bigger this time; he must be producing more blood then before…" Kyuubi sighed, grabbing a couple rags, some disinfectant, and a mop from the hallway closet.

Instead of storing coats and other practical things in their coat closet, the Uzumaki family stored all the biological waste cleanup materials any hospital in the entirety of Konoha, and the neighboring lands could ever collect. Polycythemia, the overproduction of red blood cells, was what made Naruto a day walker and set him apart from the other vampires of Konoha. His skin wasn't delicate due to the lack of available blood; he actually had a nice healthy tan, underneath the horrid outfits he chose for himself.

Naruto's condition was caused by something neither Kyuubi nor Arashi had been able to foresee, but it was also unfortunately incurable. Demon blood and vampire blood do interesting things when mixed together, and in Naruto's case, cured him of the vampire's strongest obstacle, but no doubt, providing him with another.

"Pretty soon he is gonna have to discover his taste and go out into the night! We can't keep almost having sex on the kitchen table every morning to rid him of the excess blood. I mean, for Kami's sake, we EAT at that table!" The Yondaime sighed, tossing another rag into the metal bucket they would surely have to burn later. Naruto's blood was indeed special, lacking both blood-typing antibodies and antigens, one of the easiest ways ("and cleanest ways!" Kyuubi interrupted his wife's train of thought, using his super awesome secret demon jutsu, much to Arashi's dismay…) was to simply inject it into another human through the use of his fangs, eliminating the excess and restoring a healthy balance.

"Yeah, but you want my body… Don't deny it mister Hokage…" Kyuubi waggled his eyebrows suggestively, before snapping his fingers and igniting the metal pale full of bloodied rags on fire. "Maybe his demon half is prevailing and he won't have a taste… He might just go on rage-fueled rampages and destroy little villages? You never know deary! It is awful therapeutic."

Arashi simply gave his husband a long, dark glare before tossing the flaming bucket to a guard to be buried, far far away from Uzumaki household.

"Naruto still has to become an adept shinobi before he can succeed either one of us, no demon will respect a little Halfling who can't intimidate his subjects…" Arashi knew the argument was going to end with hot, nasty sex, probably on the floor, or maybe in the master bathroom, so the retired Hokage believed it was best to make the most of irritating his husband before the unrelenting sex drive of his Kyuubi took control.

"And of course, you aren't implying that our son won't receive the power he needs when he comes of age? Because if that's the case, we need to make another son who will!" Kyuubi laughed grabbing the Yondaime and tossing him over his shoulder, the demon always won, being the naturally dominant and incredibly irresistible beast he was, but Arashi wasn't complaining.

He wouldn't be complaining until tomorrow morning when he couldn't walk very well.

And no doubt tomorrow would be the say the current Hokage would call him to the tower to discuss something incredibly time consuming and uncomfortable for his poor rump.

But he wasn't complaining now and now was happening, whether he was ready or not!

HR

Naruto grumbled to himself as he finished washing the remains of incredibly strong smelling blood off his body. He was saturated, perhaps even oversaturated by the time he had been able to peel his clothing off for a shower, of course making him miss the morning academy for the day walkers.

Iruka-sensei didn't teach the night classes, and Naruto wasn't really in the mood to find out who did, especially after the ordeal his parent's had put him through earlier.

"Stupid perverted parents always having sex in the morning just because they don't care what time it is…" Naruto was a bit shocked to feel a sticky layer of blood coating his normally soft golden spikes he called hair.

"I won't even make it early enough to be considered late!" Naruto cursed, angrily snatching the shampoo off the cute little fox shelf his father had installed in the days of Naruto's youth to keep the child away from any and all soaps, as he had a bad habit of eating everything. And he would eat anything.

After about ten minutes of fussing with his hair, Naruto had decided that all of the blood had been effectively removed, as he could no longer smell it over the nauseating smell of the shampoo his mother insisted on buying.

"Blonde expressions…" Naruto commented idly, as he turned the bottle over and over again in his hands, waiting for the remains of the soap to rinse out of his hair. "This bottle looks and sounds like I'm using girly shampoo…"

But Naruto's parents were nicer then that… right? They wouldn't play pranks when it came to his personal hygiene, right…?

Arashi's head popped in the bathroom door, with a smug looking Kyuubi leaning against the wall in the hall.

"Wrong!"

The door slammed as fast as it had been opened (Naruto swore he locked that door…), leaving one very naked and angry Halfling yelling obscenities after his immature and perverted parents.

(At least we all know where he gets it from.)

Naruto growled, after his parent's locked him out of their bedroom, which just so happened to be the master (with its own bathroom and mini bar, it could be awhile until his parent's manned up to face their son…)

"I guess I'm going to night class then…" Naruto sighed, finally remembering that he had chased his parents around naked and left the shower running.

...It was just another normal day in the Uzumaki household…

* * *

**A/N:** So incase you were wondering. Yes, there was mpreg already discussed in the story (and where did you think baby Naruto came from? The stork? Get real...) There are open displays of yaoi, and many more to come, with a naive Naruto to round it all out. Everyone is going to be incredibly OOC, so if any of the afformentioned ideas bother you, I would suggest leaving and never coming back, because this is the tip of the iceberg for the perverted humor/drama/adventure known as **Right on Top**. And if the title didn't give it away, this is going to be a pretty dirty (and rather comical) story. And if this is all news to you, please scroll back up to the top and read that lovely paragraph I typed for you to ignore. We on the same page now? Good :D 

Feedback is ever so lovely! Give me your thoughts :D


	2. Good Evening Sasuke!

**Good Mor… Evening Sasuke!**

**A/N:** And now we meet our second main character and his dysfunctional home life. Yay Sasuke!!

* * *

**  
**

As the sun was setting, every vampire and nightly creature began to stir, including the elusive and 'better then the sun' Sasuke Uchiha.

All vampires like to get up and watch the sunset, because they can also laugh at the sun while enjoying its beauty. The rays are much too weak to actually do their pale skin any harm, so the sunset is similar to the sunrise for our pale friends.

"God damn academy... starting so early…" Sasuke grumbled as he rolled out of his cocoon of blankets. He sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for the overwhelming grogginess to leave (in peace, which is why he always left his door shut…)

Outside, there could be heard explosions, from someone's exploding clay, and many sharp objects being impaled into what sounded like Sasuke's bedroom door.

Akatsuki lived with the Uchiha brothers in their empty compound, and this would be a good time for one to wonder, are they as dark and twisted as they appeared? And the answer would be no.

The group was actually a very lame attempt at doing something good, and Itachi had become a member, though he was hardly any better. Akatsuki was to find and protect people of importance from hunters, and ever since their last mission ended with kidnapping and a strange ritual their leader had claimed to be necessary. ("If we suck the demon out, he won't be hunted anymore, right?" The members of Akatsuki, not willing to argue so early in the evening, agreed.)

But the smell of something atrocious brought Sasuke back from dreamland.

Before he even had time to register what it was, he had flung himself down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"GARLIC? ITACHI WHY ARE YOU MAKING GARLIC TOAST THIS EARLY?!" Sasuke was not happy with his brother. Not in the slightest.

Garlic didn't harm vampires, but they surely hated the smell.

A long time ago, back when all the vampire clans were small and they would all show up to social events, someone had brought garlic bread with their annual dinner of spaghetti, and the nasty garlic breath that ensured had been enough to ruin the aromatic's name, for centuries to come.

"Well. I'm rather hungry. I can make you some whiney baby toast if you want." Itachi went back to buttering the toasted slice of bread that now reeked with the horrible (and slightly appetizing) scent of garlic.

"I'll make my own food." Sasuke growled, settling for a bowl of cereal and some milk, knowing very well all the other foodstuffs had been exterminated for the good of Akatsuki. "Why do you let them live here again?"

Itachi rolled his eyes, setting a large plate of the buttery toast down in the center of the table.

"Because. Now hurry up or you'll miss academy, and I'm not going to give you my hat so you can go to day classes." Itachi had a lovely straw hat, that when mixed with the high collar Uchiha shirts, was able to block out ALL sunlight while traveling around Konoha.

The only problem is that eventually, it gets very hot inside that little shelter.

"Do some grocery shopping. I don't want Sasori's mystery dinner again." Sasuke and his brother both quivered at the thought of eating that ghastly meal once more, as Sasuke was positive he found a skittle in the middle of his 'potatoes.'

"I think we are going out tonight." Itachi commented, grabbing his third slice of garlicky toast. The smell was starting to waft through the Uchiha main house, and slowly but surely, every member of Akatsuki was drawn in by the smell of something edible.

"I'll buy groceries then." Sasuke grumbled, which he happened to be doing a lot of lately, and set his bowl into the sink for someone else to deal with.

In Sasuke's mind, if you lived in his house without doing anything useful, you at least had to clean up his dishes. And knowing Akatsuki, his brother was probably the one who had to clean up after him.

"Don't destroy the house while I'm at academy, I'd rather not have sensei announce it to the whole class that you are all causing trouble again." Sasuke received very little acknowledgement, as toast seemed to be more important then he was, and exited the home to leave for ninja academy.

Sasuke left at the same time everyday, seeing the same sights as he passed by in the light of the street lanterns. The werewolves and werecats who didn't want to wake for day classes attended night classes with the vampires; demons and Halflings showing up whenever they pleased, as sunlight had no effect on their bodies.

Someone new joined the ranks of the undead on this night though.

He was a tan boy, who obviously enjoyed the sun very much, and he had obnoxious golden spikes for hair. Sasuke would have ignored him, had it not been for incredibly upset the boy looked.

Said boy, Naruto, was muttering to himself about stupid perverted parents, and nosebleeds, while at the same time weaving in and out of the crowds with the precision of a drunken bull.

Sasuke had to resist the urge to laugh many times, knowing very well that this child would no doubt do something stupid if he were to invoke its wrath, like say… declare them rivals/best friends for the rest of their days.

And living in a house full of immature and incredibly unorganized Akatsuki members really taught him to stay away from anyone he pegged as immature and potentially short-tempered. He didn't need more hassles to his life as it was.

Sasuke sighed, walking into the ninja academy that was in use constantly thanks to the difference between night and day walkers.

He was greeted by a different sight, the normal teacher must have requested the night off, because standing in front of them was nothing but a pervert hiding behind a little orange book.

Naruto grudgingly took a seat near the front of the classroom, still angry over having to spend the day at home with his sleeping parents and strict orders to stay inside.

Naruto's loving parents never did tell him that he was an heir to two different worlds, not only a village leader, but the leader of an entire race.

They were good parents, leaving out the most important details of their son's life. But it also protected him, so no one really knew a lot about him. A lot of people actually had no clue what his name was.

"My name is Kakashi Hatake. You can all call me Kakashi-sensei, but this is a one night only thing. I'm your substitute." The little orange book was snapped shut, and tucked safely into a coat pocket, but it didn't really reveal a lot of the substitutes face.

His Konoha hitai-ate covered his left eye, and a black mask covered his nose and mouth. His visible eye was a little dull, probably bored because he had to teach little brats in place of the usual teacher (but we all known he wanted to be home with his dolphin…)

"Today, I think we should learn a little bit about the backgrounds of the races and clans we have in this room. Starting with myself." The class all stared at their teacher, a little unsure as to how this had anything to do with being a ninja.

"I am a….?" Kakashi glanced around the still shocked faces to find the one who probably had the least idea as to what was going on.

"Blondie. What am I?" Kakashi's visible eye pulled up into an upside down U, obviously very proud of his choice of prey.

"Dog demon." Naruto (aka Blondie) answered, quite bored. They had done this exercise in the day academy back when it was Naruto's first year.

It had been four years now.

Naruto did have a smidgen of confidence in his abilities.

'Who says smidgen anymore!' Naruto thought, a little taken aback at his choice of words, but life would carry on. Hopefully.

"Very good! And you are…?" Kakashi was hoping to waste time until someone reminded him what he was supposed to be teaching the little runts.

He had managed to waste two minutes of the three hour session.

Kakashi – 0

Time – 1

"I'm a Halfling; half demon, half vampire. I am a day walker as well." Naruto smiled, a little unaware of just how rare his type of Halfling was. Most combinations were with humans, except vampires, who were either full vampire of not vampire at all. You didn't get Halflings with vampires, but Naruto was the exception!

"Really now?" Kakashi said calmly, trying to hide his shock a little better then the rest of the nightwalkers in his classroom had managed.

"Mom and Dad are nightwalkers as well, Dad used to be a day walker like me too, but now he isn't." Naruto shuddered at the thought of what horrible acts were being committed in his home at the very moment, no doubt the air would be heavy with lust and sex, which is why Naruto insisted he rise and set with the sun.

"Well now, isn't that interesting…" Kakashi droned on, trying to somehow will time to move faster. At this rate, he would actually have to teach, and teaching was something Kakashi left up to Iruka.

The were-animals and assorted vampires were finally starting to come to their senses after being delivered such a heavy blow, and questions started to fly as to why Naruto wasn't trained like a vampire, and why he attended school with the majority of human's during the day.

Which Naruto, of course, had no answers.

"I think I have a great idea on how to spend the rest of class time!" Kakashi announced, rather overjoyed at finding a way to skimp out on teaching. "Naruto, you find a vampire who will be willing to teach you about yourself and your kind, and the rest of you, partner up and practice yesterday's lesson!"

Kakashi laughed triumphantly, pulling out his Icha Icha book, much to the distress of the students who were tired of hunter-avoidance techniques.

When Sasuke had managed to scrape his jaw off the floor (which he later claims he was just caught off guard, yeah right Sasuke…), He pushed past the crowd of anxious vampires surrounding the little Halfling's desk, and slammed his hand down to grab the boy's attention. Sai, Neji, and even Hinata were vying for the boy's attention, along with a few others who weren't even competition to Sasuke. But he would win, Uchiha's always win…

"I'm taking you, no matter who else has laid claim. It would do you good to train under an Uchiha." Sasuke smirked at the dumbfounded look Naruto was giving him, but it was short lived when the hisses and boos from the surrounding vampires overpowered anything else he had to say.

Sasuke grabbed Naruto's arm, dragging him from his seat and through the crowd, pulling rather harshly until they were home free, in the courtyard of the ninja academy.

"That hurt you bastard! You could have asked me to follow you!" Naruto's arm retreated away from the vampire's grasp, and his other arm went to nursing the injured wrist.

"What? And let those other vampires snatch you up? You know how rare you are? And you haven't even come of age yet!" Sasuke sighed, crossing his arms across his chest.

He wasn't going to lose the Halfling, especially when it could prove that the Uchiha clan isn't as destroyed as it appeared to be.

"So…. What do I have to do to be a real vampire like you?" Naruto went from being a angry little child, to a curious little child, his injured wrist all but completely forgotten.

"Well… We should ask your parents if you can stay with me and my brother for awhile, we can give you our crash course on Vampire 101! Then when you become a powerful vampire, all your success will be traced back to the Uchiha brothers!" Sasuke smirked, for smiling as boldly as he was feeling could bode disastrous. And Sasuke was in a good mood.

"Ah, well, I guess if you say this well help me! And I really need some time away from my parents; I'm getting a little irritated with their constant sex." Naruto crossed his arms and nodded his head, as if it was quite alright for him to be speaking of his parents in that manner.

But Sasuke didn't think so. He face planted, his arms and legs twitching, giving him the appearance of… well… Sasuke twitching on the ground.

But our favorite vampire is quick to recover!

"NARUTO! THAT ISN'T SOMETHING YOU GO AROUND ANNOUNCING!" Sasuke concluded his first attempt at scolding the Halfling with a sharp whack to the side of his head.

"You mean your parents don't have sex on the kitchen table every morning?" Naruto gave Sasuke the best innocent look he could, as he actually had no idea if all parents were like his or not.

He was a little positive that girls were normally mothers, but Naruto was an exception to every rule ever conceived. No pun intended. Well… Maybe a little bit…

"I don't have parents." Sasuke responded dryly, leading Naruto back in the direction he found him coming from earlier. He hoped Naruto wouldn't question him or his parents, but he was never that lucky.

"How come Sasuke?! I have parents, even though they are a little different! You can share my parents!" Naruto tugged eagerly on the hem of Sasuke's shirt, keeping his steps in time with the vampire's.

"Did your parents even try to raise you?!" Sasuke shouted, but of course, the meaning of that statement went right over the Halfling's head. Naruto only smiled, leading his first visitor to meet his parents, all in the dead of night. Or evening, because Kakashi is terrible at wasting time when other people are around.

(And since Iruka dragged him to the academy before the sunset, he had no choice but to be on time… Woe is him…)

* * *

**A/N:** Feedback! Feed me back your thoughts :D 


	3. Meet My Parents!

**Meet My Parents!**

**A/N:** This chapter is a little shorter then most, it's mostly filler that has nothing to do with Naruto or anything really, I just didn't want to dump into Naruto living with Sasuke with no explaination. And plus, it's a humor story, so I don't really need to make sense. I just choose too!

So leave me your reviews about some situations you would like to see happen, and I will do my best to deliver!

* * *

Naruto raced towards his home, with Sasuke in tow. The Uchiha was lucky he was a vampire, as Naruto had the agility and energy of a cheetah on speed. It probably wasn't very good for a cheetah to be doing speed. 

Sasuke would have to look into that later.

The demon guards sensed the young master's approach, (so easily he found a way to cut classes!) and hid themselves from both their charge and his new friend. They were arguing over who should alert the masters of the house, and completely missed Naruto and Sasuke run by.

There would be serious repercussions later that night, but these demon guards (all members of the ANBU special ops!) weren't worried about that at the moment.

No one really wanted to be the one to tell the masters their only son had made a friend. With an Uchiha vampire. Who was probably the best influence Naruto had in his life at the moment.

But none of that matters!

The young master had already entered the darkened house with his vampire in tow, and he was no longer their responsibility.

* * *

"MOM! DAD! I BROUGHT A FRIEND HOME!" Naruto bellowed when he entered his home. There was giggling coming from the kitchen, so Naruto decided that his parents were camping out in their usual spot. 

Sasuke was a little wary about entering the Uzumaki household, as it was definitely a little different then most. It was only male giggling he heard coming from the room Naruto was leading him into, and two very different male voices, but Naruto had called for mom and dad, right?

… Sasuke didn't understand…

"Oh! Naruto… You are home… incredibly early from academy…" The blond haired man was sitting at the kitchen table, on a laptop, while a red haired man was typing madly on a desktop in the adjoining office.

The distinctive sound of instant messaging rang through the silent kitchen, followed by Kyuubi's mad laughter, and Arashi's blushing.

"Are you two… instant messaging each other… from the same room?" Naruto sighed, silently praying to whatever gods still held him in their favor that they weren't scaring away his first chance to finally train as a real vampire (and make a real friend!)

"No honey, we aren't. Your father and I are just… Doing business…" Arashi quickly closed the laptop, and Kyuubi followed suite, turning off the monitor of the desktop and joining his wife in the kitchen.

"Really…" Naruto muttered, glancing over to Sasuke to see if any permanent damage had been done. Thankfully, the boy was still standing next to him. He was a little confused, but he was still there, and that was all that mattered.

"Well, well! Who do we have here little vampire!?" Kyuubi draped an arm around Arashi's shoulders, pulling the Yondaime in close. Naruto knew he was trying to scare away the vampire with his PDAs, that's how Kyuubi and Arashi had managed to keep their son safe and in their home, but Sasuke wasn't about to budge.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha. Sensei assigned me to help Naruto explore his vampire powers." Sasuke bowed, though he wasn't too sure if that was the safe thing to be doing in a house with two very eccentric males and their obviously unfazed son.

"Ah ha! I see! You are an Uchiha!" Arashi smiled brightly, bowing his head in return. Kyuubi nodded in acceptance, but in all reality, Sasuke wasn't expecting anything in return. He was expecting to be kicked out of the house for intruding or worse, the demon named Kyuubi would kill him and eat him on the spot. He had heard rumors you know...

He was just hoping they didn't start with the activities Naruto had so kindly explained for him.

"I see no problem in that! Naruto has been quite a lazy homebody lately, or actually, his entire life. Something aside from ninja training will do him good!" Arashi clapped his hands together, flashing a bright smile to the Uchiha and his Halfling son.

"Will you be taking him into the manor with you then? Does your brother still reside there?" Kyuubi knew sending his son into the crack house known as the Uchiha manor would definitely build some character, but Akatsuki was known to make some pretty rash decisions, he would need to send them all on a very long and extensive mission… With no possible outcomes… So only the Uchiha's would be in the care of his son.

And a few dozen demon guards that followed the Halfling wherever he went anyway.

Kyuubi found no errors in his plan and quickly drifted off into his dream mode, so he could make preparations for getting those crazy, yet somehow very skilled members of Akatsuki out of the manor.

"Yes, my brother and the entirety of Akatsuki still live there. Naruto will be very safe!" Sasuke tried his best to keep a passive façade up around him, but inside he was cringing at the state the manor would no doubt be in when he returned with his new pupil.

"Naruto hasn't even discovered his taste yet, so if you could help him mature his vampire powers, we would greatly appreciate it, dear." Arashi smiled, leaning his head against Kyuubi's shoulder.

Sasuke was a little shocked to discover Naruto was so immature in developing himself, but he would question that later. He was a little more shocked with Arashi and Kyuubi's behavior, in front of a guest they hardly knew.

"I'll escort him to the compound in an hour, so you can go back and prepare if you will." Kyuubi smirked once more, and without waiting for an answer, vanished in a swirl of red chakra.

Arashi shook his head, and showed Sasuke out, as his rude husband had neglected his house guest.

"He is always like that." Arashi stated, nodding his head back to where Kyuubi had been standing previously. "I am unable to be his tutor, so you will be his first teacher in vampire artes; hopefully this is not a problem?"

Sasuke shook his head, but Arashi cut him off before he could even open his mouth.

"Good!" The retired Yondaime chirped, before closing the door between him and the young Uchiha.

Sasuke sighed, allowing his chakra to build up before he teleported back home. It was the combination of their specie's artes and ninja techniques that kept the strange hidden villages so hidden and protected.

It would only be a matter of time until he joined their ranks… And hopefully Naruto could join him as well. Unless he really was as stupid as he believed him to be at the moment.

* * *

"Moooooommmm, I don't want to wear the red skirt…." Naruto whined, tossing the offending red article to the ground. 

Kyuubi suppressed a burst of laughter as he informed his demon attendants of their duties in getting Akatsuki out of Konoha. The way his son was treated so much like a girl didn't faze him nearly as much as Arashi's insistence that Naruto be born a male, then treat him like he was a girl. That man never ceased to amaze his husband... Back to mission Akatsuki!

His plan was to have one of the guards act as a messenger for 'someone of importance' that Kyuubi had yet to make up, and insist that he required their aid.

Everyone but the Uchiha's aid, of course.

But how could he Itachi to stay home?

"No mom! No lipstick!" Naruto was struggling against Arashi's heavy application of make-up and dresses, but the retired Hokage definitely had an advantage in their fight.

"Let the child look like a boy, deary, we don't _really_ want to draw that much attention to him…" Kyuubi grabbed the lipstick from his wife, and wiped off what little he had managed to get on Naruto off with his sleeve. He gave a nod to the guards, who disappeared in the blink of an eye.

"But we want the Uchiha to fall into… rapture… with him… right?" Arashi winked, sizing up two skimpy dresses.

"What does that mean?" Naruto whimpered, pulling off the little black dress his mother had managed to squeeze him into. His father gave him a nice pair of black pants, and a matching black shirt with golden trim and polished buttons.

Naruto quickly snatched the clothing, pulling it on before Arashi could decide which dress to force him into next.

"He won't fall for a transvestite, if you know what I mean." Kyuubi moved Arashi's pilfered make-up off the bed along with the scattered articles of girly clothing. The Yondaime sighed, and handed his two dresses to Kyuubi, for proper handling.

"_I would rather have Sasuke fall for Naruto based on looks, then what's inside of him…"_ Arashi said through his connection with Kyuubi. All demon mates were able to communicate psychically to keep the female (or Arashi) out of harm's way.

"Our little baby is growing up so fast!" Arashi squealed on the outside, betraying how worried for Naruto's safety he truly was.

"Soon you will be a strong vampire, like your mom, and maybe even a strong ninja, if you don't skip out on classes anymore." Kyuubi ruffled Naruto's hair, smiling warmly at his son.

"_It's not possible for him to find out unless someone tells him, or he himself is part demon…"_ Arashi smiled a bit at Kyuubi comment, and savored the feeling of his husbands.

"_It's a gift, what he has inside, let us continue to treat it that way."_ Kyuubi nuzzled the two distinctive marks on Arashi's neck, where he was most sensitive from Kyuubi's claim. The Yondaime shivered, wrapping his arms around he beloved demon's neck.

Naruto shivered, and decided it was a good time to pack the rest of his clothing for a stay with Sasuke. He barely knew the boy, but his willingness and eagerness to aid Naruto was more then enough for the Halfling. He had never had any friends before anyway!

Naruto grabbed his overnight bag (for trips with his mother to other hidden villages!) and began to stuff it full of his clothing, soon realizing his parents might actually have sex while laying on his bed. He shuddered at the thought, and detoured into the bathroom to avoid being caught in his parents avid procreating.

Shampoo, some conditioner his mother had purchased to keep his son's hair silky, and a couple unopened bars of soap all got tossed into his bag, but Naruto was unsure as to how long his parents were kicking him out of the house.

It first, they didn't teach him a thing about what he was, and now they were shipping him off to a 24/7 tutor and his brother for whatever they had to teach him.

But how would the Uchiha brothers react to his waterfall nosebleeds?

Naruto was a little wary of the answers, but it wasn't like he had to clean up the biological waste, so he didn't care so much.

'Grab a bottle of cleaner before I leave… I should give it to Sasuke…' Naruto made a mental note, but as soon as the thought was dropped, it was gone.

It would probably be up to the Uchiha brothers to figure out how to deal with Naruto's little problem… as his parent's surely weren't confessing anything.

"I'll… ohhhhhhh… I'll be right there… ahhhh ahhhhhh, Naruto!" The very passionate voice of his father echoed out into the hallway, but Naruto had settled with distancing himself far, far away from his bedroom. For a couple of months at least, until his mother had bleached the sheets clean. Many times probably.

Naruto was afraid of germs, but he was afraid of his parent's frequent lovemaking... Just a little bit at least...


	4. Bite Me!

**Bite Me! **

**A/N:** I don't like this chapter, but I promised myself that I would put it out asap. I've got something really nasty, it's a virus or something, and it's really harming my vocal chords. So naturally I'm in a lot of painbut I love writing, and I wanted to write this, even if it wasn't as funny as I originally planned. Next one will definitely be better! With more background information! And the answers to why Kyuubi and Arashi are such sex addicts. Maybe. There might not actually be a correct answer to that one.

* * *

"Oh oh oh! Looking for some hot stuff baby tonight!" Kyuubi sang merrily as he walked hand in hand with his young son down the streets of Konoha. Naruto simply hung his head, the darkness still blanketing the town aided in his lame attempts at disguise, but the artificial light coming from the lamps dashed all hopes at going completely unnoticed.

Some people glanced at the obviously sexually satisfied male with curiosity, and others with a hint of dashed hopes, and the incredibly attractive male was walking a child, which meant he was taken already by some lucky bitch (namely Arashi, who can be quite the bitch when he is in one of his… 'moods.')

"Dad, will you stop singing please?! People are looking at us!" Naruto tugged at his hair with his free hand, trying to protect his face a little better from the prying eyes of this new and unfamiliar part of town. Naruto lived a very sheltered life, but he was never troubled really. He loved his parents no matter how much they bothered (and embarrassed!) him, and he didn't really know any other way of life.

But if he found out why they had potentially corrupted his child-like innocence, Naruto might be a little more then livid. All to protect the secrets of his blood? Bull-shit, Naruto would reason, before going on a rage fueled rampage (because Kami knows what the hell his blood is _actually_ capable of…)

"Oh, they are just admiring how absolutely adorable you are! I'm going to miss your cuteness around the house!!" Kyuubi launched into his fake depression, hoping to win over his son's happiness once more, but once Naruto was agitated…

"I'm not leaving forever you know! I'll be back as soon as Sasuke-sensei deems me a worthy vampire! Then I'll just go back to day academy while you and mom are sleeping. And being perverts." Naruto smirked, readjusting the obnoxiously large pack onto his back.

He had insisted to bring enough clothing to only have to repeat outfits three times during the original plan for a two month stay, with weekly visits to his parents for skill analysis and just general catching up.

Naruto was still a little shocked with how easily his parents were letting him out of the house, because since he was born they had always kept him cooped up, but he really didn't know any other life. It was strange how easily they were willing to pass him off to the Uchiha's…

"Ah Naruto… Life is much more complicated then you think!" Kyuubi gave a knowing wink to his son, adjusting the two extraordinarily large bags on his back.

"Life is already complicated; having to live with you embarrassing people I call my parents…" Naruto grumbled, inwardly thanking the stars (since apparently, all the gods and goddesses hated him) that the Uchiha compound was approaching.

It was unnaturally calm, and Kyuubi was cheering inwardly that his Get-Akatsuki-Away-From-His-Son plan actually worked! He just hoped that Itachi had stayed, knowing full well that the elder Itachi would figure out Naruto's secret with much less help then the younger. He seemed naïve, just like little Naruto, but when these two months were up… all that would change!

"Life, Naruto… Has barely begun…"

Kyuubi laughed his deep fatherly laugh, thinking what the rest of the song he had stuck in his head was.

* * *

"Here is the little vampire-in-training!" Kyuubi announced as he burst through the front door of the Uchiha main house. It was a little unnecessary, but the very concept of Kyuubi in itself was a little odd at times. 

"… Hello there?" A man, who looked similar to Sasuke but older, and with more definition to his face, stuck his head around the corner of what appeared to be the door to the kitchen.

"Oiy! Brother! Welcome our new guest!" A voice echoed from the upstairs, which Naruto easily identified as Sasuke.

Kyuubi deposited all three heavy bags into the older Uchiha's slightly open arms, which weren't exactly open for the purpose of collecting Naruto's junk.

The demon also slipped a note into Itachi's back pocket, explaining the dire need to embarrass Naruto quite often, to the point of massive nosebleeds, or suffer the consequences. He wasn't about to explain why he needed the brothers to embarrass his son… that was something he didn't want floating around their heads just yet… Not until it was necessary.

"Bring him home in one week, so we can check up on our little one! Have fun training Naruto!" Kyuubi then vanished in a swirl of red chakra, leaving Naruto with an extremely confused Itachi and an overly excited Sasuke.

Itachi had half a mind to throw the little boy and all his bags out the door, but something caught his attention, that he was sure slipped past his brother.

'_He is half-vampire, possibly the only one of his kind…I'm sure that slipped past Sasuke…'_ Itachi smirked at the revelation. Naruto was indeed rare, and if his brother had volunteered to be the Halfling's vampire tutor, Itachi would simply have to join in.

Ever since Akatsuki vanished when Itachi had been doing the laundry, leaving a note that their mission had been so urgent they couldn't wait for the elder Itachi, he had been a little bored. It had actually only been about forty-five minutes, but the house was just too quiet without them.

"First things first Naruto! We need to discover your taste! What blood calls to you?! Do you ever get cravings? How have you survived this long without any training at all?!" Sasuke eagerly tugged at Naruto arm, dragging him upstairs to the room Sasuke had been busy clearing out for his new little pupil.

Itachi watched the scene unfolding in front of him, following behind his ecstatic little brother after picking up on his motives. _'You want to prove the Uchiha clan didn't die with the majority of its members as well… Little Naruto might be just what we need…'_

When Itachi bent down to set the ridiculously heavy bags on the floor of Naruto new room, he felt something crinkle in his back pocket.

When he pulled it out, he didn't recognize the handwriting, but right away it caught his interest.

_Eldest Uchiha, _

_In your care is my only son, and heir. _

_If you value what little sanity you, Sasuke, and Naruto have left, pay close attention._

_Something terrible will happen if you allow Naruto's blood to build up. Embarrass him often to relieve his body of excess blood, and you will make the two months very enjoyable and productive. If you choose to ignore me, I will not come to your aid when you lose control of dear little Naruto._

_Sincerely, _

_Mr. Uzumaki._

Itachi smirked, committing the information to memory before burning the note in his hand with a simple fire jutsu.

So Naruto had secrets just like the Uchiha brothers did, it should prove interesting… Seeing who comes out on top and all. It appeared to be a battle of worthiness, from what Itachi could gather.

He was measuring the Uchiha brother's ability to properly train, and take responsibility for his son, who apparently had some issues with nose bleeds.

Good thing Itachi was a vampire, because blood was one thing Uchiha's did not like.

"I am kinda hungry…" Naruto mumbled, his shy hands clutching his hands to quell the growls it was shamelessly emitting.

"This is the perfect opportunity to find out your preference! You should be able to feel it, it's normally a negative trait humans give off, and every vampire is different." Sasuke nodded his head knowingly, throwing open Naruto's new window and preparing to climb out the window.

"…But I want ramen! Not nasty blood…!" It was Itachi's turn to be shocked. He almost face planted at Naruto's request for human food instead of Sasuke's offer to find him an easy snack.

Sasuke carefully turned around the window sill, his eyes were a little wide as he processed Naruto's denial of a free meal by Sasuke's hunting abilities.

"You… don't want… blood?" Sasuke finally asked. He had never once met a vampire who would pass up the opportunity to catch a quick 'bite' from the slightly willing humans (and occasionally, the other mysterious races.)

"No, I've never really wanted it really. I can hear it; I know what kind of blood calls to me, but… I just don't crave it. I like human foods better." Naruto smiled, but both the Uchiha brothers simply stared at Naruto in shock.

They quickly called for an emergency meeting by turning their backs to Naruto and huddling in close to try and converse without their house guest hearing.

"We don't have much human food lying around; Akatsuki devoured most of it before vanishing without me this morning…" Itachi grumbled, trying to recount just how much food they had left while pushing the memories of Akatsuki's abandonment out.

"This isn't normal! How am I supposed to train him! He isn't a full-blooded vampire like us, nor is he just a human. He is some kind of rare Halfling, and shouldn't he find another Halfling to train under?!" Sasuke tugged at his bangs, trying unsuccessfully to distract himself from the panic he was feeling.

"Hey guys?" Naruto called out, but was promptly ignored.

"Well we can't give him back, that would just show we really are washed up now that's it only me and you…" Itachi tapped his chin thoughtfully, wondering how they could handle their new charge to the best of their combined effort.

"Well what do we do!? I have nothing to work with if I can't even get him to tell me his preference!" Sasuke almost screeched, hardly holding it together as well as his brother.

"I know what it is!" Naruto tried again, but the brothers were two busy brainstorming to answer him.

"We could always ask him?" Itachi suggested, glancing over his shoulder at the very confused and neglected Naruto. The Halfling cocked his head to the side, wondering if the brothers were aware that they weren't being very discreet.

"It's unhappiness!" Naruto offered, finally earning the Uchiha's attention.

"How do you know if you don't like blood?!" Sasuke demanded, eyeing Naruto suspiciously.

"Just because I prefer human food doesn't mean I don't know what feeling is mine! I never told my parents because they didn't really need to know…" Naruto pressed his index fingers together, watching the obvious confusion spread across the brothers faces.

"You could have told us, we could have avoided this whole fiasco!" Itachi countered, but he knew he was fighting a losing battle here. Once again, Uchiha stubbornness had beaten him.

"Well I tried. But now that you know, what am I going to learn next!" Naruto clapped his hands together, his bright blue eyes shimmered the same way Gai and Lee's did, when something youthful occurred and must be commented upon.

"Lesson number two can be…" Itachi glanced over at his brother, Naruto's actual teacher and waited for him to finish his sentence.

"How to properly bite and not leave nasty marks, or kill your victim." Sasuke smiled when Naruto cringed a little, possibly wary of having to actually harm a victim.

Itachi's ears picked up something when Sasuke's pulled down the collar of his high neck shirt, revealing the incredibly pale and flawless skin there.

'_His blood pressure is rising…? How is that possible?'_ Itachi kept his observation to himself and watched as the scene unfolded in front of him.

"Now try and line your fangs up with the two dots I made with the black marker, and don't worry about harming me, You aren't going to get much blood from me anyway." Sasuke tilted his head a little more to the side, urging Naruto bite down.

The Halfling looked to Itachi for reassurance. The elder Uchiha was a little startled by his reluctance to take a victim, but wordlessly encouraged Naruto to bite his brother.

"Okay… Here I go…" Naruto said quietly, more to himself then anybody else.

He moved closer to Sasuke bracing himself using the Uchiha's forearms. Itachi watched carefully, to try and draw a conclusion pertaining to Naruto unusual behavior. Perhaps it was the other half that made up his whole, but his vampire half was definitely not dominant.

Naruto slowly opened his mouth, and to Itachi's utter surprise, he had no fangs, besides for human K-9s that couldn't break Sasuke's skin no matter how hard he tried.

The Halfling wasn't so easily deterred though, his dull teeth latched onto Sasuke's neck, and after a few seconds of fruitless gnawing, Itachi asked him to halt.

"I don't think you even broke my skin Naruto… I told you not to worry about hurting me!" Sasuke frowned when he examined his still flawless skin in the mirror. He was about to examine Naruto's teeth when Itachi finally understood a piece of Kyuubi's message.

The Halfling's blood pressure was still high, which meant he had excess blood in his body. Perhaps he was unable to feed until he had rid his body of the useless blood, so he could take in essential blood?

"Sasuke, take off your shirt." The elder Uchiha demanded quite calmly. Sasuke made no move to obey.

"Why does he need to do that?" Naruto questioned, a slight blush rising to his cheeks.

'_This should do it!'_ Itachi inwardly cheered, keeping up his calm exterior.

"For your first time, it's probably harder for you to concentrate with Sasuke's high collar in the way, so without his shirt, you would have nothing to worry about." Itachi smirked, silently ordering his brother to do as he said, or his actions would never be explained.

"Oh, alright." Sasuke sighed, defeated. He wanted to know what his brother was thinking, so it was better to play along.

The younger vampire pulled his high-collared blue shirt off, tossing it unenthusiastically to the ground. The thumping of Naruto's blood against his veins became more apparent to Itachi, and he knew he had made the right decision… Until his presumably flawless plan hit a speed bump.

"Your nose is bleeding Naruto!" Sasuke screeched, desperately trying to block to blood flow so his vampire friend wouldn't die.

"No no! It's alright Sasuke! This happens all the time!" Naruto tried to remove Sasuke's fingers, which had tightly pinched Naruto's nose shut.

Itachi's face contorted in confusion, Naruto still hadn't showed his fangs… Unless…

"Naruto, concentrate the blood flow to your teeth, mainly where your fangs should be." Itachi watched curiously as Naruto tried to redirect the massive amount of blood that was still dripping out his pupil's nose. It was a seemingly long and pointless process, but finally, the K-9s in Naruto's mouth elongated, protruding beyond his bottom lip just slightly.

"Now Sasuke, let go of his nose…" Itachi commanded once more, and his little brother complied without arguing. Why does he only sometimes listen to Itachi? That's something you have to take up with him.

Naruto's eyes were beginning to swirl red, and Itachi knew he needed to draw a conclusion fast. He did the only thing he could think of, and bared his neck to the Halfling, who looked even more confused then he had prior to Itachi's genius plan.

"Bite my neck Naruto, let's see what happens." Itachi locked eyes with the little Halfling, challenging him to some strange stare off until Naruto finally made a move.

Itachi almost fell backwards when he felt Naruto's body impact with his chest, but luckily his free arm was quick to respond, and grabbed the little boy around his waist to steady him.

He was lucky too, as Naruto wasted no time before plunging his fangs into Itachi's neck.

Sasuke watched with a look of horror and shock.

He was horrified because Naruto got blood all over the place, including his bare chest and the hardwood floors of Naruto's new room, and shocked that Naruto had so eagerly and successfully picked up biting.

What was more shocking was the how Itachi's skin seemed to gain color the longer Naruto remained hooked onto his neck. The red was slowly fading from Naruto's eyes, as life once more filled Itachi's pale skin.

Finally, after Sasuke started getting bored of watching Naruto revert back to Naruto, and his brother seem to get happier and happier, Naruto removed his shrinking fangs from Itachi's neck, and the wound healed almost instantly.

The last traces of red clouding Naruto's bright blue eyes faded away, leaving one very confused little boy in it's wake.

"THAT WAS AMAZING!" Itachi screeched, his fist pumping in the air.

"Well… How do you feel Naruto?" Sasuke cautiously took a step towards the dazed Halfling, finally gaining a response from him ever since he separated himself from Itachi.

"I feel… Like I normally do after my nose bleeds…" Naruto reached up and rubbed at his nose, clearing away from of the dried blood that had settled on his face.

"HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?" Sasuke finally howled, shaking Naruto's shoulders. No vampire could lose that much blood and be able to replenish what he lost from another vampire! They had little blood of their own!

There was definitely something odd about whatever Naruto did to Itachi…. And there was definitely something odd about Itachi dancing around the room with a mop as he cleaned up the excess blood.

"I get nosebleeds all the time!" Naruto quickly replied, trying to make the shaking stop.

"Then what happened to Itachi!? He definitely wasn't that happy when I got here! Or when you got here!" Sasuke pointed an accusing finger at his brother, who merely laughed at his brother's turmoil.

"It appears Naruto injected his own blood into me, instead of wasting through his nosebleed!" Itachi playfully ruffled Naruto's hair, before examining himself in the mirror. "And look at me! I have color in my skin! I bet I could go out in the sun and not get horribly burnt!"

Sasuke's ears instantly perked up at that claim, before turning to Naruto and once more revealing his neck.

"Bite me Naruto!" Sasuke demanded, but the confused little Halfling had no idea what was going on around him.

"…Why do you want me to do that Sasuke-sensei?" Naruto cutely cocked his head to the side once more, his golden hair swaying ever so adorably in the artificial light.

"Uhh… All your dreams will come true?" Sasuke tried, hoping that perhaps the lack of sleep was starting to get to Naruto, and thankfully the assumption was correct.

"Oh. Okay." Naruto shrugged and warily eyed the black dots on Sasuke's neck. "I just gotta hit those marks!"

"That's right! Bite me so I may feel the same as my elated brother!" Sasuke laughed triumphantly, his body already working itself into a pre-bite frenzy. Would he gain super powers? Why else could his brother feel as if he could take sunlight?

Naruto leaned in and lined his teeth up as before, latching onto the same bruising mark from earlier.

But once more, Naruto's teeth refused to pierce the skin.

And Sasuke was no pleased.

And Itachi was still singing and dancing in the kitchen. Why? I don't know.

But all was well. Sort of... Well.. It would be eventually.


	5. OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

**Right On Top**

_OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!_

A/N: I wasn't feeling too humorous today guys, I'm sorry D: It's been like... maybe a year since I last updated this story, but I plan to see it through to the end! I promise! Maybe later on tonight when I'm writing more chapters for my stories I'll feel more humorous and I'll get some good stuff coming out. Just there are so many things to explain and so little of my attention span left! I wish EVERY STORY I WROTE wasn't so AU. But I just be so Canon all the timeeeeee. It's too hardddddd.

* * *

The evening after Sasuke and Itachi's discovery of Naruto's blood excess had been an eventful one

The evening after Sasuke and Itachi's discovery of Naruto's blood excess had been an eventful one. Itachi was still under the extreme effects of having loads of excess blood pumped into his system, and had cleaned the house and done laundry before Naruto and Sasuke even crawled out of bed.

Sasuke had made sure the room Naruto was given to stay in after he had bleed all over his previous room was connected to his own, as well as the large bathroom that connected the two as well. Sasuke kept the door dividing their room's apart open all day (or night?) long incase Naruto got the urge to unload some happy blood into his system.

But unfortunately, as evening (or morning? This is going to get confusing…) approached, Sasuke still woke up groggy and Naruto was still out like the lights. Itachi had made their new guest a full breakfast smiley face, with a curved shaped bowl full of ramen for the hair and everything. There were eyes made of eggs, and a bacon smile, and a moustache Itachi had expertly crafted out of sausage links. All of it was assembled on a pancake stacked on a waffle. Definitely more then enough food to get the boy ready for his daily lesson.

Sasuke was not as lucky. At his place at the table, there was a poorly constructed breakfast food likeness of himself. Itachi had obviously spent most of his time making sure Naruto's looked amazing, and used the scraps to construct one for his younger brother.

Sasuke inspected his food, carefully cutting away a piece of soggy pancake that looked like some of Naruto's ramen juice had spilled out onto Sasuke's food.

Once the smell of food had reached upstairs, the sounds of a very eager halfling getting ready for the day (or night) could be heard. Also a few crashes that made Sasuke cringe, but nothing could make him cringe more then when Itachi poked his head out of the kitchen, revealing his pink frilly apron and the pink bonnet that kept his long hair out of his face.

"I wish Naruto would bite me too so I wouldn't feel so out of the loop around here." Sasuke grimaced to himself, hardly noticing when Naruto bounded down the stairs.

Sasuke's hopes raised though, when he could feel Naruto's blood pressure just barely creep above the healthy human level. Sasuke had been sure not to put on one of his favorite high collar shirts when he woke up, so he was hoping his pale and untouched skin would be enough to drive Naruto to bite him so he may 'study the effects.'

"Good morning guys!" Naruto bellowed out, taking a seat right next to Sasuke where the perfect breakfast face had just reached the perfect temperature for consumption. Sasuke growled, his food was a mix of soggy, really overly hot, and unappetizingly cold. Not that he really wanted the human food anyway; he would just eat it so not to freak Naruto out when Itachi and Sasuke would enjoy their morning cups of warm blood.

"Good morning Naruto-chan!" Itachi called from the kitchen, popping his upper body out into the doorframe again, this time holding a spatula, although Sasuke was aware there was actually no cooking going on in the kitchen.

"Mornin'" Sasuke grumbled, poking the food around on his plate, picking at the meats in case Itachi had not cooked one all the way and there was some remnant of blood left. There isn't much blood in bacon and sausage these days though (unless it's blood sausage, which Sasuke has never had, but some people like it!), so Sasuke was out of luck.

After some strained small talk, Sasuke's morning grumbles were starting to even annoy himself. He excused himself from the table and headed into the kitchen, where in the fridge there was some conveniently stored blood from Itachi and Sasuke's last hunt. The microwave was still in one piece from Akatsuki's last attempt to make smores as well, so Sasuke was in luck.

By the time he had returned to the table with his nice warm glass of vanity blood, Naruto had demolished his plate of food, and had moved in on Sasuke's as well. Sasuke just shook his head and pushed his food in Naruto's direction, settling on the blood and the nightwalker edition of the paper that had arrived.

Everything was just as peaceful as Sasuke desired, until…

"EW WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?" Naruto burst out, looking thoroughly disgusted at Sasuke and his behaviors. Sasuke's eyes widened, with the glass still pressed to his lips, he slowly slide his gaze to the corner of his eyes, where he could barely make out Naruto pointing at the vampire with a look of horror.

"I'm… replenishing my body's lost blood. What are you doing?" Sasuke set the glass down, quickly using the back of his hand to remove an excess of blood that might have remained.

"Watching you be disgusting! You know, blood comes out of MY NOSE. It's hard for me to sit here and watch you drink it like it's some fine wine!" Naruto was still thoroughly disgusted when Itachi chose to make his appearance at the table as well, in his hands a warm glass of the red blood as well.

"What is wrong with you people?! Don't you understand how unsanitary all of that is?!" Naruto huffed when all he was granted in response were two blank stares. Itachi broke the silence when he took a long slurp from the glass he held in his hands, earning another glare of disbelief from his new halfling charge.

"Well this is awkward." Itachi finally spoke, followed by a nod of agreement from both Sasuke and Naruto.

"You sure are the weirdest vampire I've ever met. Are you sure you are a halfling? I've never seen one like you before, that's for sure." Itachi set the glass down, and folded his hands under his chin, staring intently across the table.

"Well…" Naruto started, thinking back to all the times his parents had told him not to disclose his lineage unless the situation was dire (Kyuubi was sure such a situation would never occur, as the amount of demon guards that kept tabs on the boy was enough to destroy half of Konoha before any ninja could pull their pants on..)

"I guess this situation is dire to my training as a proper vampire!" Naruto burst out, quickly shrinking back in embarrassment when Itachi and Sasuke both looked extremely puzzled at the halfling's strange behavior.

"I'm not supposed to tell anyone about my parents, but Sasuke, you met them, right? I think you probably know more about them then they have told me. I swear I'm a prisoner to my own life!" A rain cloud formed over Naruto's head as he fumed about the unfair treatment of his parents, and the Uchiha brothers both slowly turned to look at one another.

"_He's crazy!" _Itachi whispered, motioning towards the oblivious Naruto.

"I think he might have a point though. His parents do seem to keep a lot of secrets… And they are very sexually promiscuous. Do you think that affected his mentality as he was growing up?" Sasuke pulled a pen and paper out of no where and starting listing all the ways Naruto could have been screwed up as a child, but Naruto quickly caught wind of his activities and grabbed the paper.

"I'm not crazy! You don't know them!" Naruto grumbled and the paper ignited in his hands. He then returned to his fuming. Completely ignoring his blatant display of demon power.

"You aren't crazy Naruto, you just have two very crazy parents." Itachi had been able to piece together the information as he was coming off of his excess blood high, and was now certain that Naruto was so strange because of his parents choice in each other.

"You have two extremely powerful blood types running through your veins, the demon blood, you just so kindly displayed on that paper, and maybe even those curtains over there… and the vampire blood given to you from your mother, or the Fourth Hokage, if I am correct." Itachi gave a triumphant smirk, and Naruto gave him a thumbs up.

"The demon blood in you sees some of your vampire blood as a weakness, and thus replaces it's deficiencies with it's strengths. But also, you have strength from your vampire blood as well. Whereas the demon blood would normally obliterate your vampire blood and kill you before you were even born, it seems they mixed, like your parents are probably doing in your bed right now." Sasuke could barely suppress a laugh when Naruto stared at Itachi with a red face and eyes the size of the moon.

"What… you didn't know? Your parents are probably having sex all over the place right now, maybe even trying to create another you…" Itachi carried on, enjoying just how worked up he got this halfling to be.

"OH GOD STOP! YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" Naruto could feel his heart beating faster, and his blood vessels were pulsing with the excessive amounts of blood his body was producing at his embarrassment.

"Now Naruto, if you want me to stop, you simply have to repeat the exercise we tried last night, bite Sasuke and deposit all the excess blood right into his neck!" Itachi said in a sing-song voice. His eyes curved up into upside-down u's as he secretly enjoyed Naruto's plight. His parents had been riding him of excess blood by embarrassing him everyday, and thus Itachi could do so as well, with much less mess. Besides, the blood high increased his strength as well as his resistance to sunlight. It could come in quite useful…

"I'LL DO IT IF YOU STOP! OH GOD PLEASE STOP!" Naruto covered his eyes and focused on the pulsing of his blood, directing it to his now sharp and deadly fangs.

"Okay, let's do this!" Sasuke pumped his fist in the air in excitement, finally able to experience the feeling of being so much more powerful.

And before Sasuke could even give Naruto the okay, the blond boy had sunk his fangs into the soft skin on Sasuke's neck, and knocked the two straight to the floor.

Sasuke's body bucked once or twice, as his instincts kicked in to protect himself from potential death as another being dug into his jugular vein. Quickly, the feeling of impending death faded, leaving a wonderful and extremely happy feeling in its wake.

When the wave of being able to _feel_ for once finally passed over, Sasuke looked curiously over at his brother.

"Why is his still latched onto me?" Sasuke raised a hand to nudge Naruto's shoulder, in case he had forgotten what he was doing, but he was stopped when a low growl in Naruto's throat was obviously aimed at him.

"Ah, and my body feels really hot all of a sudden, did any of this happen to you?" Sasuke looked curiously up from the floor at his brother, who had moved from his place at the table to examine the events going on before him.

"Well Sasuke, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but it appears dear little Naruto here has marked you. In what why, I can't be sure." But Itachi knew. Oh, he knew exactly what was happening, and even schemes were quickly being formulated in his head.

He just wasn't sure how he was going to handle the day when Sasuke found out exactly what Naruto had done just there on the floor. How embarrassing that conversation was going to be….


End file.
